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banditoshu
24th December 2006, 21:03
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


Gus Edit - Edited the spamvertisment out of it. Someone put a shedload of time into all those hyperlinks and I brutalised it all hahahaha

The.ViruS
24th December 2006, 21:43
I know this is spam and thge rules but a Joke thread like this would be good.

Gusdor
24th December 2006, 22:16
Fire away...

Zabiela
24th December 2006, 22:21
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Gusdor
24th December 2006, 22:22
rofl that one is good

Kira Yamato
24th December 2006, 22:26
That reminds of me a story about a one eyed stripper, a Chihuahua, A goat, and 3 midgets... But that wouldn't be an appropriate story here.

Zabiela
24th December 2006, 22:32
This one made me laugh:

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Kira Yamato
24th December 2006, 22:42
I can do you one better on versions of that joke.

Three men were sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise, looking out the window. One man said, "I bet you guys, a thousand bucks. I can jump out this window, get sucked in to the second story window, and I'll be fine."

One of the other men choked on his drink and sputtered, "you'll fall to your death!"

The third said, "I'm in."

So they all put a thousand dollars on the table. Then the first man stands up and jumps out of the window, and gets sucked in to the window on the second floor. After a minute he comes back up and collects the three thousand dollars.

The second man stands up and says, "no way! I got to try that." So he jumps out of the window, and falls to his death.

A woman walks up and looks at the first man and says, "You're a real asshole when you're drunk, Clark Kent."

Zabiela
24th December 2006, 22:46
I can jump out this window, get sucked in to the second story window

For some reason this reminds me of being john malkovitch.

The.ViruS
24th December 2006, 22:52
"Theres a new key that can open 70% of houses and 85% of cars.



Its called a Blackey"

RACIST JOKE - I mean not to offend anyone by this, if you are offended then ask and Ill delete it.

Zabiela
24th December 2006, 23:05
"Theres a new key that can open 70% of houses and 85% of cars.



Its called a Blackey"

RACIST JOKE - I mean not to offend anyone by this, if you are offended then ask and Ill delete it.

If you get offended because someone used a sterotype in a joke, you need to relax, and laugh at yourself. imo

Pan the Goat God
24th December 2006, 23:34
2 guys walk into a bar.

The 3rd one ducks.

Zabiela
24th December 2006, 23:38
2 guys walk into a bar.

The 3rd one ducks.

Where ya been man.

Sil
24th December 2006, 23:52
Three vampires enter a bar. The first one places his order.
"A tankard of blood."
The second nods and raises his hand
"Tankard of blood."

The third raises his hand and goes
"A cup of warm water, if you mind?"

"Warm water!?"

The third pulls out a used tampon. "Tea."

Pan the Goat God
25th December 2006, 00:03
Where ya been man.

Life beckons my friend, I know I've been lacking on my obligation to play H:S..hopefully with the new year things will calm down and I can play some more.

Gusdor
25th December 2006, 01:24
Three vampires enter a bar. The first one places his order.
"A tankard of blood."
The second nods and raises his hand
"Tankard of blood."

The third raises his hand and goes
"A cup of warm water, if you mind?"

"Warm water!?"

The third pulls out a used tampon. "Tea."
Legendary!

Demented
25th December 2006, 01:57
Okay, joke threads started by spam should come with large warning signs on them.
Or at least, any joke thread visited by Sil.

crans
25th December 2006, 05:22
Anyone who's seen, 'Hollow Man' will know this joke,

Superman is flying around and spots Wonder-Woman lying down on a rooftop, stark naked, so Superman thinks,"Awesome, I'll fly down at the speed of light have my way with her and then fly away before she notices anything..." So he does, Wonder Woman then says,

"WTF WAS THAT?!"

and the Invisible Man says,

"I dunno, but my arse sure does hurt!"

and then he did this, >.<

Euphoria
25th December 2006, 18:01
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Isolation
25th December 2006, 20:49
2 guys walk into a bar.

The 3rd one ducks.

It's funny how many different versions of this joke there are...

Two men walk into a bar, one ducks the other says "ow".

Demented
25th December 2006, 22:41
Well, it's the only joke many people can remember, so of course it's going to be told fifty-thousand different ways. =P

Euphoria
26th December 2006, 19:48
Its the same for why did the chicken cross the road.

Felf
28th December 2006, 16:55
Seal walks into a club... ^^
------------------------------------------
Guy walks into a bar, says "ouch"...
Dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

-----------------------------------------
Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?

He was dead.

Why'd a second monkey fall outta the tree?

He thought it was a game.

Why didn't the third monkey fall outta the tree?

He was stapled to the branch.

Cyclist's found lying on the pavement under a tree, unconcious... What did this to him?

He was hit on the head by two falling monkeys ;)
--------------------------------------------

(OK so the last one had nothing to do with bars or bra's or clubs, hey mneh *shrugs*)

crans
29th December 2006, 01:06
Why didn't the little girl finish the race?

Because someone threw a fridge at her.

Sil
29th December 2006, 01:08
What's the easiest way of getting ten dead babies into a bucket?

Use a blender.


And how do you get them out?

With a straw. <Slurp>

(thanks, Gus)

Zabiela
29th December 2006, 01:29
What's the easiest way of getting ten dead babies into a bucket?

Use a blender.


And how do you get them out?

With a straw. <Slurp>

(thanks, Gus)

Im not hungry for dinner anymore : (

Ging
29th December 2006, 01:30
What's the worse thing about fucking a baby?

Hearing the pelvis crack...

*gods, I can't believe I actually repeated that one in public*

Sil
29th December 2006, 01:31
Awesome, Ging. I'm keeping that one for later repeatition.

Hey, is there any other way of removing those babies from the bucket?

Tortilla chips, anyone?

Zabiela
29th December 2006, 01:38
God stop it!!

Sil
29th December 2006, 01:41
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.



What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?

Nailing a baby to a dead puppy.


What's brown, foaming white, sizzling and gurgling?

A baby in a stew.

crans
29th December 2006, 01:49
What's better than 8 babies in a bin?


1 baby in 8 bins.

QReaper
29th December 2006, 01:49
What's the worse thing about fucking a baby?

Hearing the pelvis crack...

*gods, I can't believe I actually repeated that one in public*
:eek:

*neck twitch*

@echo off
echo
echo Initiating /b/tard.exe
echo
pause
cls
rem C:/program files/mentalconditions/btard.exe
exit

BABY FUCK
BABY FUCK
IT'S AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRIGHT!

Alt
29th December 2006, 01:50
Your mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mom's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Your mothers so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.

Your mothers so fat, she has her own area code.

Yo mama so ugly, she went into an hunted house and came out with an application.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo momma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo momma's so short, you could see her feet on her driver license.

:D

Gusdor
29th December 2006, 01:58
What's the worse thing about fucking a baby?

Hearing the pelvis crack...

*gods, I can't believe I actually repeated that one in public*
Surely that is the best thing? :D

Sil
29th December 2006, 02:01
We all saw that one coming, Gus...

Isolation
29th December 2006, 07:20
...

Okay. This is what happens when you reply to spam-bot threads.

Just say no.

Kira Yamato
29th December 2006, 08:00
A horse walks in to a bar.
The bar tender says, "Why the long face?"
--------------
What do you call a gay bar with no stools?
A fruit stand.
--------------
In Soviet Russia bar walks in to you.
--------------
A bear walks in to a bar in Boise Idaho, goes up to the bar tender and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears beer in Boise bars."
The bear sighs, "Listen friend I haven't had a beer in a long. Please cut me a break."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears beer in Boise bars."
The bear lets out a low growl, "I'm really desprate here, if you don't serve me a beer, I'll do something really horrible!"
The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears beer in Boise bars. No matter how desperate you might be."
"Listen!" Says the bear, and points down at a woman at the end of the bar. "If you don't serve me a beer, I'll eat that woman!!!"
The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears beer in Boise bars."
"Thats it!" Screams the bear, and he stomps over to the woman, and eats her alive. The bear then stomps back over and laughs at the bar tender. "Now are you going to serve me a beer!?"
The bartender frowns, and gives the bear a stern look. "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve bears beer in Boise bars. Especially bears on drugs!!!"
The bear stumbles backwards, "Drugs what the hell do you mean!?"
"Well," says the bartender, "thats a bar-bitch-you-ate!"

Daedalus
29th December 2006, 08:54
BABY FUCK
BABY FUCK
IT'S AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRIGHT!

Beat me to it. :rolleyes:

Boxy
29th December 2006, 10:40
We all saw that one coming, Gus...
Don't think the baby did.
Anyway, swiftly moving on. Nothing to read here...

Euphoria
29th December 2006, 19:05
Whats red and bubbly and scratches glass?
A baby in a micro wave.

Whats worse than spinning a baby round at 200 mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.

Why do you feed a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see its expression.

Why did the toddler drop her lolly?
She got hit by a truck.

Why did the 6 year old girl fall out of the swing?
She had no legs.

Zabiela
29th December 2006, 19:05
"thats a bar-bitch-you-ate!"

Man that was too long for that :p

Sil
29th December 2006, 19:51
Heh. I didn't get it. Probably because English is way down on my list of languages, brought up as a third language...

Zabiela
29th December 2006, 20:18
Bar-bitch-you-ate

Barbiturate = drug.

Demented
29th December 2006, 22:08
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"P a n d a. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Sil
29th December 2006, 23:41
Bar-bitch-you-ate

Barbiturate = drug.
Heh. Then it wasn't even funny.

Felf
1st January 2007, 11:36
What's the difference between PMS and BSE ?



On's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

crans
2nd January 2007, 00:40
heheh, good one, saw it coming. And BTW did you realise you're 617th post is coming up in two more posts?!? Ok, so who's hosting the thread that is hosting the party?

EDIT: BTW ITS MAH 300th POST!!!

*champagne corks popping in background*

Woo woo!!

Demented
2nd January 2007, 01:37
But can you beat my 2664th post?
What's so significant about that?

666x4 :D

crans
2nd January 2007, 01:45
*Head A'splode*

He's the debil!

And yes, I meant 'debil'.